This is My GoodBye
by Oblivion's Bliss
Summary: Snow in the moments before she decides to drink the vial that will erase Prince James from her mind in Episode 1x10. First fan-fic, so please R&R!  One-Shot


**Hey Guys! This is my first fanfic, so I'm super excited to see al the responses I get. I remember watching episode 7:15 and thinking it was the most amazing thing since peanut butter and jelly, but I didn't like how they failed to explore how Snow was coping with James. As a result I wrote this in epic writer's high that I hadn't had in a while. Hope you enjoy : )**

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><p>She wanted to. Oh, how she wanted to.<p>

Snow stared at the vial of clear liquid on her bedside table with a debilitating longing. She felt like she was addicted to the pain that slowly killed her from the inside. She felt her sadness' physical blows, and it forced herself to be reduced to her smallest, weakest form. _Just one sip_, she thought to herself, _And it will all go away. _It seemed too easy, and yet, she couldn't seem to force herself to do it. Her mind lingered on the thought of consuming the liquid once more before the majority of her brain drove into an explosion of emotion that only happened when she thought of the damned fool who stole her heart. "James," she breathed, "James." She cursed the tears that slid down her ashen, glassy cheeks before the tremors that shook her body forced her to stay silent. She needed him like she hadn't needed anything before, and yet she had given him away with a promise that threatened her very existence. How could a father, the father of _prince_, threaten to kill his own son for the sake of a marriage that could never make his son happy? _Why_? Whereas she, prince or not, would love him with every fiber and breath of her being, and yet, he had discarded her love as something petty and undesirable; something that would only stand in the way of a better future for his kingdom. She detested the king, but above all, she hated herself.

She hated herself for believing her death to be the worst threat, she hated herself for thinking that it could all be easy, and she hated herself for breaking his heart. Even now, days later, whenever she closed her eyes all she could see was his pained expression that distorted his usually charming features with confusion and despair. He had practically begged her, and what had she done? She had kicked him aside like a dog and claimed that she hadn't loved him. If only he knew how much she did, because due to that limitless and powerful emotion that she couldn't seem to live knowing that she had hurt him. "I'm a monster. I never deserved him. I never—"

"Snow!"

She didn't have to turn around to recognize who the gruff voice belonged to, but she slowly turned her body around to face the stern dwarf, Grumpy. Her appearance must have been truly something, because the usually stoic character of the group appeared as if he had been paralyzed where he stood. The seconds ticked by slowly, but he finally regained his composure. "Don't speak like that."

She glared at him, and instead of feeling awful or guilty for being hostile to someone who had done nothing but good to her, she felt good for releasing some of her own self-loathing into the physical world. "Why? So you can keep telling me I can be happy? Well, you know what? I'm trying, and it isn't working."

He returned her glare with one of his own, "Oh yeah? And what makes you think you're the only one hurting, Snow? Huh?"

She gripped her bed sheets in tight, balled-up fists. She knew she wasn't the only one hurting, but she wasn't in the mood to be sympathetic. Instead she felt self-destructive and mean. "You're not the one who lied into his face and broke his heart. You were the victim!" She yelled, "You weren't the criminal! You didn't see his face—"She choked on the last words, but finished softly, "When I broke his heart."

Grumpy looked down at his feet before he could see her body shake with her sobs. He looked down because he didn't want her to see how much it affected him to see her, but above all it was to avoid her unforgiving gaze. She wasn't the brave woman he had met in the dungeons only a few nights before. That woman had left and all that remained was the shell of a beauty. A beauty so broken and pitiful, he admired her iron will to remember it at all. She had the choice in front of her; to forget the Prince, and all the pain inside of her… It would be a blessing.

"Love," he began, "Love is what drives us to do the unimaginable to get a happiness that we fool ourselves into thinking is worth it. But sometimes, kid, it ain't."

He walked away, defeated, towards the door. With his leaving, he wondered how she would take it. Would she cry more or would she succumb to her weakness? Somehow he hoped the old Snow would revive herself from the ashes, and remind her that her life is still worth living. Prince or not, he knew she could be happy. She was strong, but if her strength wasn't enough, he and the other Dwarves would lend her theirs. As he stepped outside into the blinding brightness of the day and breathed in the smell of pine and woods, he hoped that she would find the hope in their support. "'Cause that's all we've got," he said to himself as he walked onwards.

Back in her room, Snow had stopped her crying. Her face was stained with tears and signs that she had tried to wipe them away. Her eyes stung from the amount of strength it took to hold them back in, but she forced herself to endure it and be rational. She wanted herself to know, despite the opposition her heart screamed, that this would be the right choice.

Lifting the vial, she held it in her hand lightly as she slowly began to reminisce in the moments she would never think of ever again. She would never again think of his smile or his laugh. She wouldn't be able to remember his gallant, polite touch or his smell. She wouldn't be able to remember _him_.

But above all, she wouldn't remember the pain that would kill her if she suffered any longer. She brought the liquid to her lips, and thought, _This… Is my good-bye._


End file.
